The Human Body

It's Biological

Having spent way too much time with one another in Mr. Davis' office, on buses, and in dormitory and hotel rooms, we've come to know each other a little bit too well, as evidenced by everything that follows.

Sex

Oh, come on. We're teenagers. When we're not studying for quiz bowl, we think of little else.

3.14 (1) Number used by ancient Greeks to calculate the area and circumference of a circle; also called pi. (2) Name for the female sex organ.

afterbirth According to David, the single most disgusting substance on the face of the planet. It's also how Joe described every meal provided to us at the college cafeteria at Nationals.

baby batter Following the disgusting revelation Joe arrived at after diving into his salad at Bonanza, he pushed his plate away and picked up his cup of broccoli and cheese soup. Then he put it down, too, saying, "It's probably got semen in it." Allyn Dodd replied, "My boyfriend calls semen something else." David Jones, never one to miss an opportunity to show off his extensive knowledge of euphemisms, asked, "What's he call it? Baby batter?" At this point, all hell broke loose. Allyn clamped her hand across her mouth, squeezed her eyes shut, and began one of those body-shaking silent laughs. Bart, who had just brought his cup to his mouth, exhaled into it and blew his Dr. Pepper right out of the cup and all over himself and Ms. Roberts as he rocked back and forth. David sat back and smiled like the Cheshire Cat on acid, marveling at his handiwork.

big floppy donkey dick Phrase written in chalk beside a teacher’s parking space on campus early one morning. The sound of the phrase so amused and beguiled the team that members began using it as often as possible, as in, “This sucks a big floppy donkey dick” or “We got screwed by a big floppy donkey dick.”

“Cut off my balls and feed them to my mother." Joe's comment after losing the final game of his high school career, uttered in "rage, disgust, despair and intentional disrespect."

goiter Best explained through the following exchange between Joe Burton and Ms. Roberts:

JB: “It’s cold out here! I’ve got goiters!”
BR: “You’ve got what?”
JB: “Goiters.”
BR: (examining his neck) “Explain.”
JB: (as if recited from a textbook entry) “Goiters are the physical manifestation of an idione deficiency that appears as an enlargement of the thyroid gland.” (pause) “It’s also when it’s really cold outside and a guy’s balls jump up into his throat.”
BR: “Oh my God. I didn’t need to know that.”

Hooray For Boobies David and Bart's favorite album by the Bloodhound Gang. Tracks include 3.14, Yummy Down on This, Magna Cum Nada, The Bad Touch, and A Lap Dance is So Much Better. The CD has the following instructions on it: "Attention: Insert Tongue in circular opening to simulate nipple." Ms. Roberts is thoroughly disgusted by it.

Joe's Sexual Intercourse Countdown Because we left for Nationals nine days before Joe's wedding, he spent the entire trip calculating the hours until he would consummate his marriage. (At left: Joe, with his wife Alicia, two weeks before the wedding. Note the look on his face.)

Mr. Davis' Sexual Intercourse Countdown Because he's the horniest 52-year-old man on the planet, he spent the entire trip telling us how much he missed his wife and why.

"No one deserves to be raped." Headline on posters all over the college

“Rape Me" Nirvana song we listened to before our final game at Nationals. Considering we lost by 200 points, it was quite appropriate.

than/as balls Phrase used for the purpose of comparing, as in, "It's hotter than balls out here."

“They’ve beat Uranus to death this year.” Mr. Davis’ note during practice after yet another question about the discoverer of said planet. The comment provoked laughter on the team’s part and confusion on Mr. Davis’.

Health, Hygiene and Bodily Functions

Quiz bowl is for neither the faint of heart nor the weak of stomach.

2 (1) Number of pairs of socks Joe took for the five days we spent in Chicago at Nationals. (2) Number of times Joe played tennis and got really sweaty in the five days we spent in Chicago. (3) Number of showers Joe took the five days we were in Chicago.

Bart's Feet Site of massive sweat production that results in an odor only slightly less offensive than Joe's farts. Seriously, this is some bad stuff.

bipolar Mental disorder characterized by violent mood swings. Ms. Roberts' doctor said she has it, but she doesn't believe him. David has diagnosed himself as suffering from said condition. We might be inclined to agree.

Butt, The Cigarette remain that Joe Burton found in his salad at Bonanza at our victory dinner after winning the state title. The salad was beautiful: a mound of salad stuffs piled high on a plate, garnished with a perfect ring of the ripest cherry tomatoes you've ever seen. "I always wanted a salad that looked like this," he said proudly as he sat down. The first bite lived up to his expectations. In the midst of the second, he stopped chewing and frowned. He lolled an object around on his tongue, the distinct flavor of nicotine rushing through his taste buds. "Must be a mushroom stalk," he thought, and chewed again. The tobacco flavor grew stronger. He gingerly retrieved a short, white, fibrous stick from between his teeth. It was a cigarette butt. He was not amused. Everyone else was. Once he found the humor in the situation, he intoned, "It was either the diced ham or the olives. Either way, it was not good." Joe had the opening of his first novel.

Joe's Farts Simultaneously, the single most revolting yet funniest thing in the entire world.

	chair, the Joe's official quiz bowl practice chair. He confiscated it from parts unknown and deemed it his own. Despite the fact that it’s cushioned and has a wide seat, the rest of us are happy to let Joe have it all to himself as we wile away practices in our plastic chairs, since Joe has farted in the chair so many times that there’s a distinct brown stain on the seat and it plumes dust particles every time he sits in it.
	caution flag After rooming with Joe for five days, David had come to know quite a bit about the utter destruction Joe's gas could leave in its wake. He found a utility flag from a construction site that read, "Caution: Underground Gas Line. Hand Dig Only" which he put in Joe's pants.
	faster than the speed of sound Rate at which Ms. Roberts claimed Joe's farts traveled.
	“Holy Crapola!" Joe's exclamation, accompanied by copious fanning, that indicates he's just let one rip. He never gives advance warning of an impending fart, however. We generally migrate en masse to a less-polluted area of the room while trying not to inhale the toxic fumes. The latter is sometimes accomplished because we're laughing too hard to breathe.
	“Where’re the beans? They always have beans.” Uttered by Joe Burton upon arrival at Brown’s Country Store, a nice little restaurant and gift shop in Benton, Arkansas, known locally for its 100-foot buffet. It’s apparently also renowned for its normally large number of bean dishes, which were absent that night. This pleased the females to no end, as they were not anxious to travel another 100 miles trapped on a pup bus with four flatulent teen boys.

Coping Tools

Life is stressful. We've found relief.

Breakfast of Champions Title of Ms. Roberts' favorite novel, written by Kurt Vonnegut. According to the author, the breakfast of champions is margaritas.

discombobulated Word meaning upset or confused which we associate in some misguided way with the ancient Greek sculptor Myron’s statue Discobulus. Joe and Bart thought the word was a synonym for “inebriated.” Thus, the two spent a good part of the state Beta Club convention expressing their desire to become discombobulated or feel as such, especially after our devastating loss to the Arkansas School for Math and Science.

Dramamine Over-the-counter medication used to combat motion sickness that Bart always has a hefty supply of on road trips because of its sleep-inducing properties.

	Ms. Roberts once took two of Bart's Dramamine, but they had the opposite effect and she spazzed on the four-hour ride home.
	Joe was so thoroughly annoyed with one of the team members that he took four Dramamine at once two hours into the fifteen-hour ride to Nationals in Chicago. After that, Ms. Roberts confiscated the Dramamine and doled it out as she saw fit.

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Last modified: June 24, 2000